Taking in the night air

[Josephine]

Escape, from her own home or that of family and friends, from the pitying gaze of those who knew her and the love she had carried. Josephine wanted to flee into the night where she could curl up and hide from the pain echoing in her heart. To wrap her arms around her knees while hiding her face; sit in silence without echoing the ever constant "I'm alright" when she really wasn't.


Taking the night out allowed her some freedom. The quiet night air did not tell her he was not good enough for her; had never been good enough. Why was it that way? Honestly he was the one who left her; abandoned her after the love she had gifted upon him and he wasn't good enough for her? Nay, Josephine knew the truth in her heart- she was not good enough for him nor had she ever been. Teeth bore down on her lip, drawing her from quiet misery.

Instead she walked, enjoying the sensation of the evening breeze through her loose hair. The cooling air pushed against her clothing, molding the loose blouse against her smooth form. Her skirt fluttered and in the night became the colorless gray of so many things; at least to a human eye. Soft amethyst peasant blouse with tiny embellishments along the neckline and hem meshed together with her patterned translucent mix of white, deeper purple, and green and beneath black leggings.

Did she have an aim this night? Not really, nor did she have a true direction or purpose except to flee herself and her mournful thoughts. No longer did she fear for mugging in the night. Humans were no longer strong enough to harm her and most all wounds healed near instantly; even if it left her a bit weakened. No true dangers in the night except running across another of her kind; one who knew her plight and would offer empty words of comfort meant to be sincere.

"I'm alright....I will be alright..." She chanted to herself, hoping to say the lie enough that she might believe it and make it truth. "I will survive this..." The night air stole her words, carrying them before her. Brittle branches rustled, brushing together as the wind stirred. For once she didn't notice the cliche of her surroundings. The fact she was shrouded in nightfall and cold; it didn't strike her as funny or fitting the surroundings were just there.

None had labeled her as strictly as she did; cast off bride, fool, or victim of arrogance. Had she not thought if she loved enough and gave the whole of herself he would return her affections, remain at least partially fond of her? Josephine knew deep in her heart such wasn't possible. Naive fool; her brow furrowed as she frowned. When had such worked in her lifetime? Father, mother, Erick, and now Pulse; all had set her aside when something better came along. Part of her remained jaded to the fact that she would have a sire from night to night.

The night allowed her to think and slowly clear her head. No amount of kind words and sympathetic glances would fill that void.

"Ack...moody moody. No doubt Abi would taunt for this weepy behavior. No man is worth these tears.." It was a lie and she knew it. Why had she let herself love him so? How could she still love him after the hurt and shame he had parted upon her? It didn't make sense and yet she did. Part of her would never heal from this.

"Time...all I need is time, thankfully I have all of that in the world." Once she had thought to turn into the sun if she lost her world again this way. Ties bound her from that instinctive reaction and she remained struggling to grasp everything and keep her family from feeling the full impact of the gap in their home life. Josephine swallowed another gust of air, drank in the richness of it as she steadied herself.

'I am stronger than this. I will hold my head up and move forward.' No she wouldn't give her former husband the satisfaction of knowing how terrible a blow he had dealt her. That much pride she could cling to.



(modified for repetition)

[Josephine]

Focusing forward Josephine walked. Her limbs moving effortlessly, tirelessly, for the immortal blood that coursed through her veins. Hands trembled as they clutched together before her smooth belly, pressing lightly as she thought over the words and offers of others.

Amazingly it was not the offers for retribution she focused upon but the words of one esteemed vampiress offering her the one thing she needed most of all; time and safety. She offered Josephine a bond to hide behind and curl within while licking her wounds. Ties of friendship and respect; could any belittle that.

Lashes pressed closed, remembering her own friend's pain and hurt at her severance of a long term husband. They both had suffered in the name of love, and both held to experiences similar for their mate's behavior. True understanding would be found there.

"Respect and friendship...it is safer than love" She mused softly, inwardly ashamed of her retreating from life in such a way. Lashes dipped closed when she remembered the dear woman's touch to her cheek, the warm embrace of her arms drawing her close and not allowing those damning words of 'I'm alright' to escape Josephine's rose hued lips.

Arms wrapped tightly about herself as she stooped against a bus stop bench. Her knees drew up slightly as she perched there, ignoring the stank lingering smell of old cigarette butts, spilled booze, and garbage that long needed taken out. The place was quiet and allowed her a space to sit and be still for a moment or two longer.

The deep love of a friend, versus the romantic love she had felt for her husband; respect to replace that sense of passion. It would not be a cold binding, but it would not be the same as either of them had previously known. Seduced, wooed; either term could be used for Pulse's pursuit of her.

He had whispered words of love and affection. He had held her and soothed her through heart break caused by her being with him. Coaxed smiles from her and spoke praise of a beauty she knew was lacking; all lies now, words turned to ashes by his actions. Tears escaped her, her head bowing as 'alright' failed her.

The mask of 'alright' shattered as tears continued to fall. She had loved him deeply, given everything she could to him in efforts to keep him happy. Starr would ask nothing of her more than companionship and someone to hold at night. Josephine could manage such. She would take Starr's suit and embrace it to the best of her ability.

(modified for wording)

[Josephine]

How long she wept, Josephine could not place. The tears always clouded her judgment of time seeming an eternity while it could have been moments or true hours. Always the weeping left her exhausted and hollow. Numbness echoed through her as she wiped at her eyes, searching to dash away the outward signs of her pain.

She had vowed, in the silence of the night, not to weep for him further. She had promised to herself that she would move forward each night and seek to place her world into further order. Of course, resolution would waiver in the seemingly overwhelming heap of ‘must dos’ and pitying looks. How many in the city looked upon her with some smug satisfaction that she had been brought so low by one they could have ‘told her’ would do this?

The Lomax family had remained gracious and had not stated their ‘I told you so’ bluntly, nor publically gloated over the fact she had failed in her one great endeavor. Erick’s betrayal had stung her, burned deep to walk in and catch him with Candi, but at least he had kept her. Pulse had not bothered with that much; not bothered to at least pretend to care about her emotional state.

Perhaps that was true pain of it. The lack of finalization; the lack of a reason why the betrayal. Had she failed in some way? Had she lacked in being attentive enough, supportive enough? Was she simply missing some vital part of her that did not allow for those she loved to love her in return? That last reason was banished away for Julian loved her. Her sweet and courageous Julian who had stood with her since that first rising that he woke and tasted of her blood.

Hands clenched as she tipped her face back to look up at the star drenched sky. Did it matter that she suffered? Many other women felt the same pain, the same sorrow; yet only her pain seemed important in this moment. Hardly gracious of her, selfish and uncaring; foolish foolish girl. Josephine winced at the harsh internal monolog wishing she could escape that inner voice that censored her actions and words; holding her to a moral standard that was unquestioning.

Slowly she uncurled, rising to her feet to catch the bus, stepping onto the bustling conveyance to find a seat. The smell inside to a human nose would rank among pungent; to Josephine it was rancid; a cacophony of sweat, blood, perfumes, emotional duress, and that maddening call of blood. She shuddered and took her seat near the front of the bus, allowing it to sweep her further into the city limits.

A half an hour had passed while she wept, the bus’ arrival told her that much. Lashes flickered closed as she sat on the bus, ignoring the brush of shoulders or occasional nudge against her shins as some one moved to take their leave. The lurch of each stop and start was compensated for. Instead she allowed the mummer of human voices to surround her. No silken sorcerer tones; nothing that could intoxicate the senses.

“No, you tell that lazy no good brother of yours..” An angry woman’s voice rose in a husky whisper that held a good amount of hostility. “So next week is so going to rock” A teen age voice picked up, the male’s voice holding a static crackle of still fitting to its final tone. Josephine worked to tone out the actual words wanting that normalcy of just blending in. Too human to be vampire and too vampire to go back to being human. Josephine had put off choosing what she was, from realizing that there was no going back, for far too long.

“Hey do I know you?” A man’s voice reached her ears. Josephine blinked, startled for a moment as she focused on the man next to her. Business suit, clean shaven, handsome regular features; it took a moment to place him. Her old theology professor from her human years in college; Crap, the word resounded in her mind.

“Nope.. ‘fraid not” She smiled faintly before rising to take the next stop. Oh great, the downtrodden portion of downtown. Lovely, but it was an escape before she broke the unspoken rule of never reveal thyself. Fingers pressed to the little strip signaling the driver she wished off at the next stop. The man’s brow pulled together, trying to place the impossible in his mind. Josephine Billups had died two years ago; her body never found and was marked up as another vicious murder.

Quickly she darted off. Her feet striking the ground as she plunged back into the neon punctuated darkness. The throbbing of music roared over her at the same time as the scent of poverty and desperation reached her senses. Diner time; Josephine tried to avoid the normal sense of gagging the thought brought. She had to hunt and feed, even if she would rather just drink the foul bottled stuff.